Q: Can a believer who loves God still face challenges of trusting God during times of doubt and uncertainty?
A: I’ve spent many nights staring up into the sky, bewildered as I felt my disappointment turn into grief turn into numbness turn into distance from God. There were so many times when I thought God was about to turn everything around, but then things got worse, not better. Some of my darkest days were when I could not make sense of what God was allowing. And my fear was: Because God allowed all of this, what else might He allow? Slowly, I have realized I cannot attach my hope to God making things feel fair. And I certainly can’t attach my hope to the outcomes I desperately want. I have to attach my hope to who God is. He is good. He is faithful. He is my Father who loves me.
God’s character, which never changes, is His personal promise to me. And to you. We can stand with assurance on who He is even when we don’t understand what He does or doesn’t do. I’ve come to terms with the truth that if it was good for us to have more information, God would surely give it to us. So the fact that He isn’t allowing us access to more details lets me know that having that information isn’t what’s best.
Q: What’s your favorite example from the Word of learning to navigate struggles with trust and faith?
A: Some of my favorite passages to turn to when I’m struggling with trusting God’s plan is in Mark 14:34-35, “'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,' he said to them. 'Stay here and keep watch.' Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him."
These verses are so comforting because I relate to these words of Jesus so much. I’ve felt I might not survive some of the circumstances and heartbreaks I’ve faced. And I’ve certainly asked God to let this pass from me. I’ve often begged him, “Don’t let this be the way my story goes.”
Knowing Jesus deeply understands my pain and wrestling helps me trust his teaching on a whole new level. Everything he teaches us is with personal awareness of the woundings that can happen to the human heart.
The next verse in Mark 14:36 is profound. Jesus says, “'Abba, Father,' he said, 'everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.'”
He asks God to change the plan but in the next breath declares that he will trade his will for God’s will.
I’ve started to incorporate this verse into my daily prayer time. After I make requests of God, I open my hands and say, “I trade my will for thy will because I’m so confident you will.” And then I leave room for the mystery of God as I get up from my prayer and receive whatever it is that He has for me that day.
Q: What’s an example from your life when you’ve learned to trust God even through difficulty?
A: My wonderful friend Lisa passed away very quickly after a severe diagnosis.
We were in the middle of planning another trip together. We were in the middle of doing ministry work together. She still had grandbabies being born and adventures she wanted to take.
And then right in the middle of all of that life, suddenly an illness slammed the brakes on everything.
I miss my friend Lisa so much. I can’t talk about her without crying. And as I process my grief, I’ve encountered more hard questions I have for God:
Why her?
Why this special person who brought such good into every life she touched?
She honored God with her whole heart and lived His love out in such beautiful ways.
How could any of this be part of a good plan?
My wrestling is compounded by the unfairness of her life ending and the reality that others who cause such destruction and evil are physically healthy and free to keep hurting people. I know God is patient, wanting everyone to repent and turn from their sin. And I believe His patience with all of us is part of His goodness.
But it hurts so much that my friend was taken.
I’ve made peace with the fact that I don’t understand and I won’t get answers to those questions. But I still cry and I still wrestle with what seems so unfair to me.
Can you relate?
The only way that I’m making peace with this right now is to go back and ask myself the question, “what is true about the heart of God?” because what I believe about God’s true nature will affect how I process the really hard things that happen in life.
I don’t understand why my friend Lisa was taken, but here’s what I do know: she loved God with all of her heart and was absolutely confident in God’s love for her. For Lisa, trusting God was never about what she was facing… but rather a confidence in the consistent faithfulness He displayed throughout her life.
Just the other day, I turned to 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 which says, “Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.”
Lisa didn’t want this diagnosis. She didn’t want to suffer. She was grieving and those of us who love her were as well, but none of us were grieving as people who had no hope. To see how Lisa managed her grief and hope was beautiful. She was able to acknowledge that her situation stunk but was still open to the joys of life. Honestly, in my mind, being open to the joys of life even in the midst of hardships feels like a beautiful definition of hope. And if we believe that God loves us so much that He would give His only Son to die for us, why would we think that His love would stop on the threshold of devastating life circumstances and things that don’t make sense to us? His love doesn’t stop there. So, our hope shouldn’t stop there.
My prayer is that the more I believe in the absolute love God has for me, for Lisa, for all of us… the more I can trust Him.
Q: How can Christians begin to overcome feelings of mistrust or skepticism towards God?
A: Thoughts of doubt don’t seem like that big of a deal one by one — just like you would never look at an ant and think it could possibly take down a huge oak tree. But I saw this very thing when a huge tree fell because an injury allowed moisture in which softened it enough for ants to hollow it out.
Please hear me: it’s not wrong to have doubts, but it is dangerous to get consumed by them.
And to get even more vulnerable to the storms around us because of thoughts that erode our faith in God. Each doubt we have will cause us to either press into God or pull away from Him.
We press into Him by doing what we already know to do: get into His Word, pray, listen to Him, and look for evidence of His goodness in our midst. And in the dark times when we can’t see or understand what God is doing, we can trace His hand of faithfulness from the many times in our past when He got us through all we faced. He did it then. And He will do it again.
Q: Why is it important to distinguish between healthy skepticism and destructive doubt when it comes to trusting other people?
A: Some people believe when you love someone, you must give them unconditional trust. I understand the sentiment of this. And I wish all relationships were absolutely safe, honest, and in keeping with the way the Bible teaches us to treat one another. But we all know that’s not always the case.
So instead of ignoring red flags we need to wisely examine what’s going on. It’s not wrong to have skepticism especially when a person has broken our trust before.
My counselor Jim Cress taught me to “get curious instead of furious.” Asking questions is so much healthier than making destructive accusations.
And how the other person reacts to your questions will tell you a lot. If they get defensive and angry by your questions, chances are your concerns are valid. If they respond with care and compassion as they give you the answers you need, that’s usually a good sign of honesty.
Q: What practical advice do you offer for those who find it difficult to trust God in the midst of difficult circumstances?
A: When it comes to trusting God during difficult circumstances or seasons, I have learned to ask myself: "What if, instead of doubting God’s goodness, I started cooperating with His goodness?"
What does it mean to cooperate with God’s goodness? It means to notice His goodness, to call it out, and to find calming enjoyment in those small evidences. Maybe we won’t see the big miracle we keep looking for today. But we can see His goodness in other ways, right now, today.
This has become such a crucial aspect in my journey. When I don’t see any good in a tough situation I’m going through, I think His goodness can only be evidenced by Him doing something to turn that situation around or at least something to assure me He’s working on it.
But I’m learning to expand my view and acknowledge His goodness in other places of my life. A lot of times I forget the small stuff is a direct result of our good Creator God. That’s what helps me experience His goodness in very tangible ways. Here are some examples of small stuff that help me remember the big reality of God’s goodness:
- the sweetness of a perfectly ripe peach
- music that calms my mind and makes me exhale
- the sun that comes out from behind a cloud and warms me on a chilly day
- lights that are strung between backyard trees, hanging above a circle of friends around a firepit
- an unexpected, but truly satisfying belly laugh
- the smell of morning coffee, of my favorite flower, or my favorite dessert baking in the oven
- watching the ocean waves on a gorgeous day go just so far and then pull back inside themselves
Write down some of the evidence of the goodness of God you’re experiencing in small, everyday ways. Then write down who you could share this with or give this to. When we spread His goodness to other people, we are cooperating with His goodness to us.
Q: What would you say to those dealing with the impact of past disappointments or betrayals on their ability to trust God fully?
A: Here’s the truth: if someone is struggling to trust, chances are there’s a reason. Whether they can recall the exact reason or not, they’ve had an experience that has made them recoil in angst and pain. Of course, they are hesitant or possibly resistant to trusting people, especially those who have hurt them or who remind them of someone they trusted and got burned by.
And it only makes sense that they would have questions about why God didn’t stop or prevent the betrayals that broke their heart. Questions like, “How can I trust that God is for me when it seems like the one who hurt me got away with it?” I have certainly wrestled through that question.
But here’s what I know to be true … God will not be mocked. He is in the process of addressing their sin in His way and in His time. Just because we feel there might be an absence of God's justice does not mean there’s an absence of His presence. He is with you today and He will walk you through this with great measures of mercy.
Interestingly, one of the words for “trust” in the Bible is “batah.” When the object of trust is people, possessions, or status, batah is almost always used in a negative sense. But when batah is used toward God it is always positive. While people and other things may let us down time and time again, remember God will never be untrustworthy. He is always faithful and He will never leave us.
Remember, just because God calls us to forgive does not mean we have to automatically trust those who hurt us. Sometimes with unrepentant people, distrust is the most appropriate response there is. Hand them over to God and realize that you being cautious with trusting them may actually be a sign of wisdom, not weakness.
Q: What role does prayer and seeking God’s guidance play in overcoming trust issues?
A: Humans who break our trust do not have the power to break apart God’s good plans for our lives. They may have enough influence in our lives to hurt our hearts and make us feel derailed. We may even think their actions have created so much destruction that life will never be normal again. But people are never more powerful than God.
While there will always be gaps in the trust we have with people, there are no gaps in the trustworthiness of God.
So, here’s where we have to be cautious. Sometimes when we don’t understand why God is allowing hurt and pain in our lives, we may feel disillusioned enough to stop praying and talking to Him. Or we may feel the pressure to tidy up our feelings before we talk to Him. But God wants us to pour out our hearts to Him in prayer about whatever is troubling us. We see this modeled throughout the book of Psalms.
There is so much angst and fear and turmoil expressed without the pressure to minimize the hurtful realities. God isn’t disappointed in our raw honesty with Him. The beautiful thing is that this is exactly what He wants from us. And then through our prayers and lament and vulnerable processing, He can guide our feelings and help us not lose hope for a better future ahead of us.
Q: How can understanding and addressing trust issues contribute to a deeper, more resilient faith?
A: Ultimately, whatever we don’t trust we’ll try to control. But this is not how faith works. Sometimes I wonder if a big part of the exhaustion and anxiety we feel around hard circumstances like trust issues is because we are constantly trying to remove faith from our relationship with God. When we trust people, we are looking for evidence we can see with our physical eyes that trusting them is safe. Faith doesn’t work that way. Faith will always make us anxious and unsure unless we are confident in the goodness of God. If we stand firm on His goodness and know everything He allows is somehow flowing from that goodness, then we will have a lot less fear in trusting Him. Faith in God means to be assured of His goodness even when what He allows doesn’t feel good, seem good, or look good right now. Faith is our confidence in what we hope for. Faith is our assurance about what we do not see.
Q: Finally, what message of hope or encouragement would you like to leave with readers who have been hurt or harmed by those they once trusted?
A: The trauma of having your trust broken by people you thought would never betray you is life altering. But it doesn’t have to be life ruining. I have walked the road of hurting and healing for years. There has been lots of counseling. Lots of internal work. Lots of praying and seeking. Lots of perspective shifts and healing. New hope. New discoveries. And finding a life that’s so different from what I thought my future would look like.
But finally realizing that "different" can be wildly beautiful. Now I’m walking forward in ways I never thought possible. And you can too.
Lysa TerKeurst is president and chief visionary officer of Proverbs 31 Ministries and the author of seven New York Times bestsellers, including Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, and It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way. She enjoys life with her husband Chaz and her kids and grandkids. Connect with her at www.LysaTerKeurst.com or on social media @LysaTerKeurst.
